Ann longed for male attention, despite her incredible romance with Gene. She was never able to get enough of it. This was perhaps her greatest weakness. In her past she had been involved with sociopaths and anonymous internet bloggers but it had all been about the pursuit, the fantasy. Once the chase was consummated it became boring to Ann. She felt she could stay loyal to Gene in that way. As long as she could flirt, she could be monogamous.
She had been monogamous for so long, the longest she had ever been, and in that time, Ann felt she had grown old. She was no longer in the early twenties with its reckless abandon and youthful naiveté, which men of all ages seem to gravitate toward. Plus the bodies of the young-twenties are firmer, their faces smoother. In the four years Ann was monogamous with Gene she had felt fat for the first time. She felt old for the first time. No man could possibly be attracted to her now, no matter how clever or interesting she might make herself seem. She now understood why marriage truly existed. So you could be with someone and not constantly have to fear or wonder if people found you attractive or whether they would fuck you. Men, especially strange men, became scary to Ann. She often thought they would judge her harshly based on her looks or scorn her for being a feminist. Men liked women to be agreeable, both in body and spirit. Ann was neither.
And yet how dependent on the approval of men she still found herself to be! Even though she had given up on the possibility of men finding her attractive she still found herself creating mental fantasies that they were. When she dressed up she thought maybe men looked her way, even though in her heart of hearts she knew they did not. When she talked with men, flirted with them, she liked to imagine they were thinking of her naked, even though she could see their eyes wandering, their attentions directed elsewhere.